The ADHD Diagnosis...that changes things.

 

My husband and my youngest son, at the age of 17, were butting heads often.  He was the last child left at home and though he only came up out of his room for sustenance every once in a while, those moments were contentious.  Everything was an argument, even before a conversation began.  I could tell they WANTED to get along, but neither of them could figure it out.  Strangely enough, as an onlooker, I saw too many similarities!  They were nowhere near the same personalities, but the way they approached some things, and the way their minds "struggled" were similar.  My husband had done some research and urged me to take our son to the Dr. and see if we could have him diagnosed with ADHD and begin the process to help him with this.  My son had ALSO done some research and felt he probably had it and so he complied.

I had my son do all of the talking (completely out of his comfort zone) and the Doctor was incredible.  Within about 5 minutes she said "well, I think you probably DO have ADHD but let me give you this questionnaire and we'll know for sure." She gave him a paper with a list of questions.  This ADHD Questionnaire is a great tool if you have someone who may be showing signs.  On the side it had the answering options: never/rarely/sometimes/often/very often. My son kept seeking validation with me on each question and I told him he had to answer it based on how he sees himself, and then I kept quiet.  When he had finished and the Doctor returned, she took a quick glance at the paper and said "well, you're right!  You definitely have ADHD."  He had answered almost all of the questions to the far right -very often. She then discussed with us his options.  She talked a lot about coping behaviors and how they can be learned.  We learned that with each life change as he grew, there would be new trials and obstacles, but if he could learn the coping skills to deal with each of them, he could live a very healthy, thriving life.  We also  learned all about the medications available.  We were ready to leave her office, well armed with the diagnosis and the knowledge he/we needed to move ahead.  At the last minute, I asked her if I could get a copy of that test.  She moved to MAKE a copy of my son's test and I quickly asked for "a blank one"? She chuckled and was able to grab a copy for me to take home to my husband.  When we returned our son gave the Doctor's report to my husband and proceeded to ask HIM to take the test as well.  Jace sat down and spent time, thoughtfully filling out the questionnaire.  At the end he looked to be relieved and I on glancing at HIS responses, I allowed my son to inform him that his answers matched those of my son's ..almost exactly.  It had to sit for just a minute and then my husband looked up and said "I have ADHD!?!" 

My husband, Jace, is 50 years old!  To be diagnosed with ADHD this late in life and to now be able to look back AT his life?!?  This was going to be interesting, insightful, and definitely terrifying!  But THIS is where it all got to begin again.  THIS has given us new life and is allowing us to rebuild several aspects of our life!  Jace opted to begin the medication and has been able to formulate incredible insight as to how it is altering aspects of his life.  I am fascinated when he begins to explain what his brain used to feel like, and how NOW, he is able to recognize what it is doing differently or better! My favorite explanation he has given recently was this: "before there were a million dots bouncing off of the walls inside of my brain.  I couldn't pick just one out and focus on it or even try to catch one.  Now, it is as if the dots have been sped up so fast that I cannot see them anymore. And because of that, I am able to reach up and pick one out.  Then I can focus on that one things and get it done and enjoy it!"  

We are taking it slow, learning as we go, and he is taking it all in stride!  It is allowing him grace, where before there was frustration.  It is giving him permission to try things again, recognizing that the first time, may not have given him accurate feedback.  It is giving him freedom to err and to let things go.  And it is giving him focus on the things that he wants to have in his life.  What an incredible gift this is for him.  To learn that his brain just functions differently and that there is an explanation behind so many of his actions growing up, and so many THINGS in his life!  Someday, maybe I'll be able to have him sit down and explain even more on this but for now, we move forward with hope.

On a side note...my son is doing well too!  He opted to learn the coping mechanisms rather than go the medication route.  He recognizes that at each crossroads in his life he has to take time to reevaluate things.  He has to pick his priorities, and learn coping mechanisms to allow him to work within these choices to make his life functional and allow him to thrive.  

As for me...this has allowed me a great deal of understanding.  Where before, I would get frustrated or upset because of how he was doing something, or NOT doing something, I now try to see it through his eyes and make adjustments on MY side of things so that it can be an easier thing.  So there is no frustration or anger.  I try to help eliminate things that would otherwise add TO those bouncing dots at a minimal and keep requests and "needs" to within boundaries we have set so that he is set up for success as much as possible.  

It Takes ALL Kinds!

Let's face it...when the word "GAMER" is spoken aloud, THIS is what people pull from the far corners of their mind.  

Or maybe this...

Or...this...

Okay...I have to admit...this is what I think of too when I hear the word.  I can't help it!  I literally knew what to Google search to pull up the images that I wanted to portray.  Why wouldn't anyone else!?!

It is not their fault!  Most gamers fall into this realm as a side effect of all things gaming.  I don't know a gamer that would be offended by this translation to be honest though.  They'd be offended for about a minute and then you'd see a wry smile start to come forth and sure enough they'd say "yeah, I've done that before." To what extreme the passions of their fan favorites creep into their RL (real life) is up to them, and the life that they lead.  

To walk through a crowd at a gaming convention or event is to meet people from all walks of life and all livelihoods.  I have met doctors and dentist, sales reps and company owners, desk clerks and "grunts", entertainers (I've already introduced you to THE SUPERMAN himself), online tech geniuses and wannabe online tech geniuses, and entrepreneurs of all types. It's amazing to see the gathering of the MINDS.  

Most, if not all of them I BELIEVE touch the spectrum of being Neurodivergent.  What is a neurodivergent you ask?  Well, let me just pull up my handy dandy GoogleSearch...

What does it mean when a person is neurodivergent?

The term “neurodivergent” describes people whose brain differences affect how their brain works. That means they have different strengths and challenges from people whose brains don’t have those differences. The possible differences include medical disorders, learning disabilities and other conditions. The possible strengths include better memory, being able to mentally picture three-dimensional (3D) objects easily, the ability to solve complex mathematical calculations in their head, and many more.

Neurodivergent isn’t a medical term. Instead, it’s a way to describe people using words other than “normal” and “abnormal.” That’s important because there’s no single definition of “normal” for how the human brain works.

The word for people who aren’t neurodivergent is “neurotypical.” That means their strengths and challenges aren't affected by any kind of difference that changes how their brains work.

I can sit at a table with someone at a gaming event and within five minutes witness their quirks, their insecurities, and their lack of confidence tells (or over exuding confidence err).  But I can also look a little deeper and understand what brings them here...to the Gathering Of The MINDS.

I am fascinated by this aspect of gaming.  I found this great article that explains it so well:

 Neurodivergent individuals, including those with autism or ADHD, often find gaming to be a valuable tool for social connection, skill development, and self-regulation, offering a structured and predictable environment that can be comforting and engaging. 

Here's a more detailed look at neurodivergent gamers:

Benefits of Gaming for Neurodivergent Individuals:

• Social Connection & Community:

  Gaming can foster a sense of belonging and community, allowing neurodivergent individuals to connect with others who share similar interests. 
• Skill Development:

  Gaming can help develop skills like problem-solving, strategic thinking, and hand-eye coordination. 
• Self-Regulation & Emotional Processing:

  The structured and predictable nature of games can provide a sense of control and routine, which can be particularly beneficial for those who struggle with anxiety or emotional regulation. 
• Escape & Focus:

  Games can offer an escape from the overwhelming aspects of everyday life, allowing players to focus their attention and momentarily set aside stressors. 
• Improved Communication:

  Online gaming can provide an easier environment for communication than face-to-face interactions, allowing neurodivergent individuals to connect and socialize more easily. 
• Neurodiversity-Affirming Environments:

  Some gaming communities and developers are actively working to create inclusive spaces that celebrate neurodiversity. 
• Gaming as a Coping Mechanism:

  For many neurodivergent individuals, gaming is more than just entertainment; it's a vital coping mechanism for managing stress, anxiety, and other challenges. 

Specific Examples:

• Autism:

  The structured rules and predictable patterns of video games often resonate strongly with autistic individuals. 
• ADHD:

  The fast-paced and engaging nature of some games can help individuals with ADHD manage their attention and focus. 

Challenges and Considerations:

• Online Safety:

  Neurodivergent young people may need extra support to stay safe online and navigate the online gaming environment. 
• Overplaying and Addiction:

  It's important to be mindful of the potential for overplaying and gaming addiction, and to encourage healthy gaming habits. 
• Inclusivity and Representation:

  The gaming industry and communities need to continue to work towards greater inclusivity and representation of neurodivergent individuals. 

This world was created for them...and more chances or not...BY THEM.  

This is a cure all a little for the world that they live in!  It has given them a resource,

a tool, a coping mechanism and outlet, to help their minds.  Knowing what I now 

know about my husband's mind and about the minds of my children, I can look at this

and only see a helpful tool.  A great outlet for the immense hyper speed going on inside 

their minds. I encourage it, and I try to support it every chance I get...NOW.

Often times, there is misunderstanding.  A parent doesn't see why the priority is so high

for a spouse or a child.  A child can't truly express why they feel the need to do what they do.

It easily becomes a point of contention rather than an understood step to then see a great 

outcome.  I loved how this article was able to easily explain what that process might look like

and would encourage you to save it as a great resource.

I think the main need is to find good boundaries and areas of understanding. Both for our gamer, and for us.  Life happens and there are things that definitely need to take priority.  Finding enjoyment in that life is important too.  Once the understanding is in plain sight, this creates a safe space to allow their needs to be met and then for them to meet you where your needs are as well.  I love the scene in Galaxy Quest where the young gamer was helping the lead cast save the galaxy and at a crucial moment his mom is insisting he take out the trash!  It gets me every time!  I FEEL her frustration...and I now get HIS frustration!  All that's needed is understanding.

The Gathering of The MINDS

When I attend events of any gaming genre there is an anticipation for me.  Something magical happens in these settings that you cannot find anywhere else on earth.  Have you ever watched the Nature Channel specials on different species? They will follow an animal in their natural habitat and show you what dangers lurk, what their patterns of behavior are, how their social interactions build them into the creature and the life they are to live.  THIS is ME at a gaming event.  I cannot WAIT to see and observe the different "species" and see what has brought them together.  

 I call this the Gathering of the MINDS.  Jace chuckled at me the first time I coined the phrase, but after consideration, I have indeed dubbed it as such.  For years I have watched the dynamic of "gamers".  I fancy myself a bit of a people reader.  I love to people watch and will happily pull up a chair somewhere and be completely enthralled and entertained for HOURS by what I see.  Maybe that's what allows me to live the life of a Gamer's Wife quite easily.  My entertainment is provided for me.  

I have always been an introvert and a few years back, I was introduced to this book.  An admired coworker had finished a phenomenal public speaking engagement.  I praised her at the conclusion and thanked her for her incredible ability.  She then let me in on a little secret.  That she too was an introvert.  She didn't say more, but told me I needed to read this book and I would understand HOW she was able to do what she does.  I went home and looked up The Quiet online and had my copy on the way.

I devoured it and loved reading about myself.  It breaks down the DNA of an introvert, while at the same time, explaining beautifully the difference.  How a scenario plays out for an introvert, and then in turn for an extrovert.  What I learned, that was MOST valuable in my life however, was that if you are passionate about something, truly passionate, you COULD be an extrovert for a time.  Before retracting back into that "safe" space, completely drained and spent from the experience.  This was life altering for my reality.  I began to preach this to everyone I met.  Every parent, every sibling, every person, I knew could benefit from this book! Everyone KNOWS someone who would benefit from the understandings in this book.  To my sister, the extrovert-who pushes her introvert child into social settings because that's what SHE would enjoy.  Or the introvert parent-who doesn't see how their extrovert child could possibly benefit from a little MORE social engagement.

Reading this began to open my eyes to many loved ones in my life.  Particularly my gaming loved ones.  I would be willing to BET, though I could not find traces of any statistical studies, that 90 percent...if not MORE...of gamers are INTROVERTS.  NOT just introverts, but in more cases than not, individuals who would not venture out of their homes or safety barriers except for these events.  Somehow, they are able to pull themselves out, into a social setting, and I get to watch them come alive.  

Strike that...reverse it...I just found this great article and although it focuses on online gaming, the gaming community tends to cross the streams frequently enough that I would group them together for this study.

'While there's no single definitive statistic, research suggests a correlation between introversion and gaming, with some studies indicating that introverts are more likely to engage in online video games, potentially finding them a space to overcome social difficulties and form friendships. 

Here's a more detailed look at the relationship between introversion and gaming:

1. Introversion and Gaming:

• Online Games as a Social Outlet:

  Online video games can offer a platform for introverts to engage in social interactions without the pressure of face-to-face communication, potentially compensating for social difficulties. 
• Anonymity and Avatars:

  The anonymity and use of avatars in online games can allow individuals to be less critical of their interpersonal skills, potentially encouraging participation among introverted individuals. 
• Focus and Strategy:

  Introverts may find enjoyment in games that require focused attention and strategic thinking, such as open-world RPGs or simulation games. 
• Problematic Gaming Behavior:

  Some studies suggest a link between introversion and problematic gaming behavior, with gamers who display such behaviors reporting lower levels of extraversion. 

2. Studies and Research:

• INTPs and Gaming:

  A survey of 4,000 participants found that INTPs (Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving) are the most likely to play video games, while ESFJs (Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging) are the least. 
• Social Benefits of Gaming:

  Some studies suggest that introverted players can experience social benefits from playing, though the links between personality and social outcomes are complex and indirect. 
• Shyness and Online Games:

  Research has explored the potential for online games to provide a space where shy individuals can overcome their difficulties with friendship formation and gain access to new social contacts. 
• Gaming Preferences:

  Some studies suggest that introverts may prefer indie games and RPGs. 

3. Important Considerations:

• Not a Strict Correlation:

  It's important to note that not all introverts are gamers, and not all gamers are introverts. 
• Diversity in Gaming:

  The gaming community is diverse, with gamers coming from all walks of life and with various personality types. 
• Nuance in Personality:

  People are not always purely introverted or extroverted, and individuals can display traits of both. 
• Social Benefits:

  Online gaming can offer social benefits for individuals of all personality types, including introverts. 

Those first few moments as I watch a gamer enter the play hall alone, until the conclusion of the starting round, they turn a complete 360.  Upon entry, they are uneasy, unsure, new surroundings, SO MANY unknown faces, processes and steps unknown.  I almost feel like I should cheer them on and assure them they did it!  They got themselves there and are going to be just fine.  I literally mentioned today to one of the players that "if this wasn't easy for YOU to do, remember that almost all of these other individuals are just like you.  They had to fight the same insecurities, fears, doubts, second guessing, that you did to come here to play today."  That makes this a safe space and one that allows an introvert to truly be an extrovert. Just for a time. And afterward, they can retract back into their safety barriers, having built a little bit more on their confidence, their skills, their community, and their strengths.