My husband and my youngest son, at the age of 17, were butting heads often. He was the last child left at home and though he only came up out of his room for sustenance every once in a while, those moments were contentious. Everything was an argument, even before a conversation began. I could tell they WANTED to get along, but neither of them could figure it out. Strangely enough, as an onlooker, I saw too many similarities! They were nowhere near the same personalities, but the way they approached some things, and the way their minds "struggled" were similar. My husband had done some research and urged me to take our son to the Dr. and see if we could have him diagnosed with ADHD and begin the process to help him with this. My son had ALSO done some research and felt he probably had it and so he complied.
I had my son do all of the talking (completely out of his comfort zone) and the Doctor was incredible. Within about 5 minutes she said "well, I think you probably DO have ADHD but let me give you this questionnaire and we'll know for sure." She gave him a paper with a list of questions. This ADHD Questionnaire is a great tool if you have someone who may be showing signs. On the side it had the answering options: never/rarely/sometimes/often/very often. My son kept seeking validation with me on each question and I told him he had to answer it based on how he sees himself, and then I kept quiet. When he had finished and the Doctor returned, she took a quick glance at the paper and said "well, you're right! You definitely have ADHD." He had answered almost all of the questions to the far right -very often. She then discussed with us his options. She talked a lot about coping behaviors and how they can be learned. We learned that with each life change as he grew, there would be new trials and obstacles, but if he could learn the coping skills to deal with each of them, he could live a very healthy, thriving life. We also learned all about the medications available. We were ready to leave her office, well armed with the diagnosis and the knowledge he/we needed to move ahead. At the last minute, I asked her if I could get a copy of that test. She moved to MAKE a copy of my son's test and I quickly asked for "a blank one"? She chuckled and was able to grab a copy for me to take home to my husband. When we returned our son gave the Doctor's report to my husband and proceeded to ask HIM to take the test as well. Jace sat down and spent time, thoughtfully filling out the questionnaire. At the end he looked to be relieved and I on glancing at HIS responses, I allowed my son to inform him that his answers matched those of my son's ..almost exactly. It had to sit for just a minute and then my husband looked up and said "I have ADHD!?!"
My husband, Jace, is 50 years old! To be diagnosed with ADHD this late in life and to now be able to look back AT his life?!? This was going to be interesting, insightful, and definitely terrifying! But THIS is where it all got to begin again. THIS has given us new life and is allowing us to rebuild several aspects of our life! Jace opted to begin the medication and has been able to formulate incredible insight as to how it is altering aspects of his life. I am fascinated when he begins to explain what his brain used to feel like, and how NOW, he is able to recognize what it is doing differently or better! My favorite explanation he has given recently was this: "before there were a million dots bouncing off of the walls inside of my brain. I couldn't pick just one out and focus on it or even try to catch one. Now, it is as if the dots have been sped up so fast that I cannot see them anymore. And because of that, I am able to reach up and pick one out. Then I can focus on that one things and get it done and enjoy it!"
We are taking it slow, learning as we go, and he is taking it all in stride! It is allowing him grace, where before there was frustration. It is giving him permission to try things again, recognizing that the first time, may not have given him accurate feedback. It is giving him freedom to err and to let things go. And it is giving him focus on the things that he wants to have in his life. What an incredible gift this is for him. To learn that his brain just functions differently and that there is an explanation behind so many of his actions growing up, and so many THINGS in his life! Someday, maybe I'll be able to have him sit down and explain even more on this but for now, we move forward with hope.
On a side note...my son is doing well too! He opted to learn the coping mechanisms rather than go the medication route. He recognizes that at each crossroads in his life he has to take time to reevaluate things. He has to pick his priorities, and learn coping mechanisms to allow him to work within these choices to make his life functional and allow him to thrive.
As for me...this has allowed me a great deal of understanding. Where before, I would get frustrated or upset because of how he was doing something, or NOT doing something, I now try to see it through his eyes and make adjustments on MY side of things so that it can be an easier thing. So there is no frustration or anger. I try to help eliminate things that would otherwise add TO those bouncing dots at a minimal and keep requests and "needs" to within boundaries we have set so that he is set up for success as much as possible.
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